Just an Introvert Girl, Living in an Extrovert World
I hope you read the title in the tune of "Don't Stop Believing" because that's how I typed it.
Introverts don't thrive in the extrovert world. We survive. And just barely some days.
“Solitude matters, and for some people, it is the air that they breathe.” - Susan Cain
Most days I am thankful that I am introverted. I love that my love languages are words of affirmation and quality time. I love that I can recognize when a group setting is physically exhausting me. I love that I am aware of and attend to both my feelings and my thoughts when I am processing information. I love that reading a book, or listening to a podcast, or writing a blog post is satisfying and energizing. I love that I am not risky. Other people love that I am real easy to scare. I love that deep one-on-one conversation make me feel alive. I love that I am able to process everything in my surroundings, not just the people. I love that other introverts know exactly what I am feeling just by looking at them. I love that the people I hold dearest know just how bold and silly I can be. I love that I have active inner dialogue (yes, I am a psychology student) and that, even though some people think I am quiet, my mind never stops talking.
Sometimes I don't love that my mind never stops talking. And I don't love that people assume I don't like to talk or that I am rude just because I stay quiet. I don't love that people assume everyone is extroverted just because they are. I don't love that I refer to myself as "anti-social" so that other people won't. I don't love feeling claustrophobic during small talk. I don't love how much longer it takes me to form a relationship no matter how much I think I trust the person. I don't love scoping out any new room for the nearest exit. I don't love forcing conversation. I don't love that I dwell on everything I say out loud FOR DAYS. I don't love any of the assumptions people make about introverts; “At least half of people who speak for a living are introverted in nature,” according to Jennifer Kahnweiler, Ph.D.
I do love that I am willing to fight for my introverted nature. I used to feel guilty about needing to be alone but I don't anymore. I used to be afraid of confrontation and I still am but I've just come to accept it. I used to force myself to extroverted but I can't and I won't anymore.
I do not love feeling lonely. I am constantly surrounded by people and yet I feel lonely. It is no reflection of the people I am surrounded by but, rather, of myself.
Last month, a friend asked if I'd ever intentionally walked outside in the rain. I hadn't and so out we went. In the rain. In the dark. In the rain. In our bare feet. Bare foot, we walked and talked for quite some time while it rained on us. And then we lay down in the grass and talked some more. We shared, we laughed, we cried, we said nothing at all because we didn’t need to. After a long while of being quiet, she asked God to make it rain harder, and He did. Still, we lay there. All I could think while I lay next to her in the grass, my sweater and jeans sopping, hardly able to keep my eyes open, teeth chattering very audibly, was that this moment was that this moment was one of the most beautiful moments I’d ever lived. In my whole life. And if I replay this moment in my mind that never stops talking, I'm much less lonely. Because that's how some of us introverts work. And I love it.
Before I left for school, a friend of mine gave me a stuffed bunny. If he is next to me or in my arms, I'm much less lonely. Because that's how some of us introverts work. And I love it.
If I read the Princess Bride, I'm much less lonely. If I play my guitar, look through my photos, listen to my favourite song, drink my favourite tea, and pack for Christmas over and over again in my head, I'm much less lonely. Because that's how some of us introverts work. And I love it.
Being lonely is different than being alone. More often than not, I'd rather be alone. But it's important to notice the difference between the two. And if you're introverted, it's important to be alone and not lonely.
