Desperate for Change
The photo above? It's a photo of someone who knew she was desperate for change but was even more desperate for no one to know. It's a photo of someone who said "let's all pretend to laugh," just prior to the photo being taken.
"Desperate for Change" is the title of one of my Pastor's sermons from a over a year ago. I've watched that sermon (and all the others from that same series) too many times to count this past week. At first, it broke my heart. Then it challenged my heart. Then it shaped my heart. Then it filled my heart. Then it started to heal my heart.
Here's the thing, you could be desperate for change because you only have bills and your University washers/dryers only take coins. You could be desperate for change because the last time you got your hair cut was almost a month before you left for University. You could be desperate for change because your cafeteria doesn't understand "gluten free." You could be desperate for change because it rained 28/31 days in October and nearly every day since then. You could be desperate for change because APA is tedious and you'd like to write one damn paper in MLA. You could be desperate for change because your wardrobe is tired and when you wear tired clothes, you are tired. And tiring. You could be EVERY one of those desperates! And I am. But you could also be desperate for a change in your heart. And I am most desperate for that change above all the rest.
I am terrified of change. My day goes according to my day planner so that I can check things off as I go. I eat one of two things from the caf. I listen to the same song every night before bed. I wear cardigans year round. I only drink tea, never coffee. I have a poor attitude about every social gathering until I get there. I don't like my knees to be touched. Ever. I don't plan on any of these things ever changing. I didn't intend for the attitude I was going about life with to change either. I didn't want it to. But now I do.
I am desperate for change. Are you?
What are we going to do about that?
First, we are going to come up with excuses. I've been there. I've done that. "I'm fine." "Nothing's wrong." "This isn't THAT big of a deal." "Other people have it worse." "I'm afraid to change." "Even though this is hard, this is familiar." It goes on and on. And on. You might recognize the excuses on your own, or you may need to be called out on them. But sooner or later, you are going to meet them face to face. Who's going to win that fight? Even if you're all talk and no walk, you better have someone hold your earrings. You need to win. For you and for others around you. I backed down from that fight time and again. I would rather talk through every single other person's issues than admit I've got issues of my own. But when I was told that I need to be able to love on myself before I will be able to love on others well, she wasn't kidding.
Next, we are going to come up with a plan. We are going to write out our plan. We are going to label our plan. We are going to colour code our plan. We are going to laminate our plan. We are going to hate our plan. We are going to want to change our plan. But we don't. We are going to persevere with our plan. We have a purpose for our plan. I hate making plans. If I make plans, then I am committed to following through with them. If I make plans to go out with friends, then I am going to have to put on real clothes, do my hair, and want to want to be there. If I make plans to sing worship on Sunday morning, then I am going to have to actually get up on stage, try not to look like I'm about to pass out, and sing all the words. If I make plans to change, then I'm going to have to change. For reals.
Next, we are going to conquer the plan. Simple as that. Except that it's not always simple. There will be roadblocks. And construction. And maybe even some roadkill. But we are going to conquer the plan. I am in the process of conquering my plan. I guess there will be an update to follow..? But so far, so good.
Finally, we change. It may be painful. It may be slow. It may be painfully slow. But it's going to be worth it. Don't you want to see yourself the way others see you? I would give anything for a glimpse of myself through anyone else's eyes. Don't you want to get out of the trenches and get a taste of the Promise Land? Don't you want your heart to feel the way you want everyone else's heart to feel? Don't you? I do.
It all got real serious real fast. But I ain't sorry.
You may think you aren't desperate for change. You may think you are undeserving of change. But you probably know that neither of these things is true. Whether your heart is just a little sad because of the weather, politics, or the score of the game last night OR your heart is just so sad that you can't even get out of bed in the morning or function throughout the day. Both of you are equally deserving of change. And it's hard. But it's worth it. I'm worth it. You're worth it. Maybe it's Maybelline!
I was called out on my excuses. I was desperate for change. I made a plan. I colour coded my plan. I am following through with my plan. I am changing. Because I am worth it. And because I hate being desperate.
If I'm honest, which I promised myself that I would be brutally honest here, posting this feels like letting each of buy a ticket to the amusement park that is my brain and letting you roam around it. Freely. But if admitting out loud to more than just myself that I am in desperate need of change makes one other realize that they, or someone they know, is desperate too... Totally worth it. Roam away! Take all the pictures. Play all the games. Eat all the cotton candy. Ride all the rides if you're tall enough. And come back anytime.
