Fragile? Yes. Broken? No.
Fragile: easily broken or damaged.
People keep looking at me like I'm fragile. Like if they say the wrong thing I might break. Like if they hug me too tight I might shatter into a thousand pieces. Like if they say nothing at all the silence might kill us both.
Everyone is fragile. If someone tells you they're not, they're lying. And so I'd be lying if I didn't say I was fragile. Especially now. But I'm not going to break. Not today. And not tomorrow. And probably not the day after that either.
For the past couple of days I'd taken on the mindset that I was broken because other people were looking at me like I might be. But what I learned is that we can't take on other people's Schneider Weisse (which is just a nicer way of saying s**t..). And this is something that I've had to learn over and over. And over. We can't take on what they feel for us, towards us, about us, without us, and so on. We can't feel anyone's feels but our own.
We go through seasons that are tougher than others. But more often than not, we come out on the other side of these seasons stronger. Better. More hopeful. Grace-filled. And I can't wait to be all of those things.
And everyone deals with "seasons" differently. There is no right or wrong way to do so. Sometimes there are better ways to deal with them than others, but it's 100% up to the individual to decide how he/she is going to deal. And for now... I'm dealing relatively well, in my humble opinion.
I think this idea of "fragility" has somehow acquired negative connotations. I have a hard time admitting that I'm fragile. But I shouldn't. It's not necessarily a negative thing at all. We are fragile for many reasons, the biggest of which being that we need a Saviour. A Redeemer. A Hero. If we didn't need Jesus, we'd be stronger but ultimately weaker for it. We'd be fearless but unwise. Invincible but wreck less. Less fragile, fo' sho'. But we're not. Because we need Him too much. And what a beautiful need. I'd so much rather be fragile and long for the presence of Someone who will make me strong and whole than be without Him.
More often than not, the unexpected happens. Sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worst. But for better or worse, He loves us. For always.
It's in these seasons, that I take out a copy of what my dearest friend, Kirstin, said at my baptism and read it until I can recite it. Read it until I know it to be true with every fibre of my being. Read it until I can hear Him read it back to me.
“There have been many times in the past few years when Ben and I have said to each other that with everything you’ve gone through, the fact that you still love Jesus is, in and of itself, a miracle... You’ve given us the great privilege of walking though these years with you and witnessing your struggle to find grace in the suffering, love in the darkest places, and peace where there seems to be only turmoil. And through it all you’ve been able to glimpse the beauty of knowing that no matter what the circumstances, God has gone before you to sweep away the ashes of what was and redeem with new beauty what you thought was lost forever.”
Because he does, you know. He goes before us. He sweeps away the ashes of what was. He redeems with new beauty what we thought was lost forever. And He does it over and over. And over. For us. For always.
I found a song yesterday that I wish so hard I'd written. It's like she took the words right out of my heart and wrote a song with them. "The world is just as scary as I thought it was. But Your love makes me braver still." Please listen to it. And let all the words just sink. Right. Into. You.
I've shared this link to one of Ann Voskamp's blog posts on my Instagram before, but here it is again just in case you haven't had the opportunity to read it yet. It truly is one of the best posts I've read to date. It'll probably be one of the best posts I read ever.
