Life is tough. But so am I.
There's been a whole lot of change in my life since I last posted. I left University. Yup, left. For now. Sometimes I feel like I'm having a competition (with no one but myself because it's not a trophy anyone would really care to win, myself included) to see just how long my Bachelor's Degree will take. When I head back to school next year, I will be heading into my 6th year of post-secondary. And if I'm honest, it stings a little. Ok, a lot. I wanted SO badly to graduate this spring. This spring felt like "FINALLY" and now it's even further away. But as much as it stings, I know that home is where I am meant to be for the time being.
When I am at school, I keep my FOMO sane by convincing myself that my life at home is on "pause." That it'll just pick up right where it was so rudely interrupted. I thought I could do the same here. I thought I could pretend like my life back at Trinity was just on "pause." But for whatever reason, it doesn't work nearly as well on this end of things. Everything's still going on like normal there, but I'm here.
So behold, a graduation photo that will go unemployed. It won't be in the yearbook this year alongside some quote that at 22 I think is a witty thing to be remembered by, but my 40-year-old self will cringe at. Hard. It won't be in a frame in my Mama's hallway. It won't be passed out to grandparents and friends. It won't be anything more than a $75.00 sitting fee.
And I'm ok with that. When I look at this photo, I see someone who was going to push through the last semester of her undergrad no matter the toll it took on her body or her heart. I see someone who is pale. Stubborn. Unwise. Unhappy. And I look forward to who I will see in next year's photo. She'll be more full of life. Colour. Wisdom. Happiness. Probably still stubborn.
My soul is working on finding rest. And my body is in need of some rest too. It's something I'm having a tough time remembering: to rest. But I figure typing a blog post in bed counts.
I got a text from a friend last night that sparked this whole post. She talked about how scary it is when things aren't in our control, but that it's how we find intimacy with Jesus. And I would take Him over control any day. Every. Day.
It reminded me of something I said in front of a large group of women a couple of years ago...
"I’ve struggled with not knowing what I want to be called. Not knowing what I have been called to. I’ve struggled with identity and I’ve struggled hard. I’m still struggling. I desperately tried to claim an identity that was not mine to claim. I poured myself into an identity that did not define me. And then I was stripped of that identity and so I thought I was nothing. But what I’m learning is that my identity is nothing if it’s not Christ. I don’t need to be found in a student, a singer, a writer, a sister, a friend, a wife, or a mother. Those identities don’t define me. They enslave me. I need to be found in Jesus."
And all those things remain true today, but I would add that my identity also can't found in the things I think I can control. Like my wardrobe, my complexion, the thickness of my hair, my Instagram followers, my Bachelor's degree, whether or not I am single, or my inability to cook (maybe the reason I'm single). It's still found in Jesus. It always will be.
My identity isn't found in that graduation photo. Nor will it be found in next year's.
Life is tough. But so am I. Because He has made me so.
